Wife...Woman...Friend Part 1
Dana Gilmore

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that my beginning was his end.
After all, we were just friends.
Although in my world I was his girl
So I would pretend to be his
Wife.
Saying shit like, "It's only so many years of a woman's life!"
Right. So I gave him three.

Yet he had the audacity to step to me on this
Dynell Jones
"I-Don't-Know-Where-I-Wanna-Be" type shit.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.
He hit me with a forehead kiss.
Told me life was a journey
And he was ready to explore this shit.
And I was pissed.
To me he was a hypocrite.
Like a fake preacher a pulpit.
And he left me sick.

And no, he didn't choose me
but that doesn't make him right nor wrong.
And just because he was the epitome of my life
doesn't make me wrong or right.
Like I said, I was his friend,
Not his wife.

And I should've acted within that capacity
And maybe then this breakup would've been
Just one of those things
Instead of a fucking tragedy.
And all that time I spent mad at him,
Hell, I should've been mad at me.

After all, I was the one who gave him the key to my house
And let him hang clothes in my closet
Just in case we go out.
Not to mention, washing all his dirty clothes
Just to make a full load.
And let him finish off all the leftovers
Just so the food don't go old.

Even though I showed him more support than his
Brother, father, sister and mother.
And just because those same people dialed my number
When they tried to get in touch.
And he receives mail from my address
Cause he be here so much.
Got total control of the remote control
to the Tv, DVD, and Radio.
And even though his name is not on my lease,
got shit in my house that's off limits to me.
Like, his side of MY bed
And his stash of weed.

But none of this obligates him to me.
Because not once did we exchange vows.
And if I knew then what I know now,
I probably would've listened when he said
There was some shit he had to get up out his system.
But see, I was too busy bitchin,
Jumpin back like I was gonna hit him
Cause in the back of my mind,
All I could fathom was how much I was gonna miss him.
But just because I'm crying, doesn't mean that I'm the victim.
Just means that I was scared to let him go
Because some other chick might get him.

And that was my fault
Because it was my decision.
I should never have put my heart
In my mind's position.
But I couldn't shake him
He was like a bad habit
And all this for a nigger who was just average
Doin average nigger shit
Like talkin out the side of his neck
And thinkin with his dick.
But I must admit
He's the one I wanted to commit.
So either I wasn't livin up to my potential
Or I was just the average chick.

But I choose to believe
I was a woman caught up in a feeling
Both physical and emotional
Who was way too willing to give her all to a man
And even though it may sound stupid,
Guess what?
I would do it all again.
Just next time for my husband
And not that nigger I call my friend.

I spent a week drinking the sunlight of Winnetka, California
where they understand the weight of human hearts.
See, sorrow gets too heavy and joy it tends to hold you
with the fear that it eventually departs.
And the truth is i've been dreaming of some tired, tranquil place
where the weather won't get trapped inside my bones
and if all the years of searching find one sympathetic face
then its there i will plant these seeds and make my home.

I spent a day dreaming of dying in Mesa, Arizona
where all the green of life had turned to ash
and i felt i was on fire, with the things i could have told you
i just assumed that you eventually would ask.
And i wouldn't have to bring up my so badly broken heart
and all those months i just wanted to sleep
and though spring, it did come slowly, i guess it did its part.
My heart has thawed and continues to beat.

I visited my brother on the outskirts of Olympia
where the forest and the water become one.
And we talked about our childhood, like a dream we were convinced of, that
perfect peaceful street where we came from
and i know he heard me strumming all those sad and simple chords
as i sat inside my room so long ago.
And it hurts that he's still shaking from those secrets that were told by a
car closed up too tight and a heart turned cold.

And i went to San Diego,
the birthplace of the summer,
and watched the ocean dance under the moon.
There was a girl i knew there, one more potential lover--
i guess that something's got to happen soon.
Because i know i can't keep living in this dead or dying dream
and as i walked along the beach and drank with her.
I thought about my true love, the one i really need
with eyes that burn so bright, they make me pure.
They make me pure.
They make me pure.
I long to be with you.

They make me pure.

They make me pure.

I long to be with you

Right now I just finished a bowl of my favorite ice cream- rainbow sherbet from baskin robbins. one opened up right next to me and my mother and I are taking full advantage of it. She got me a quart of it as a belated birthday present.

---

I've realized I really like math. I don't want to do my homework now, because my teacher freakin slammed us tonight and I'd rather just type things in here. But I realize that I like it because there's always an answer. There's no gray areas and there's always a solution to a problem and ends happily.

I think maybe if my life were just math problems maybe it'd be okay. And I think I would grow and learn and study and eventually I would be able to solve all the problems. But that's not how it works and some things I just will never know why they happened or if they happened or how they happened. And some things I'm not meant to know.

---

I have developed feelings for a guy at my work. Another coworker told him on Thursday and he called me that night. And I don't know what's going on but we went out on Sunday and I enjoyed it and I think he did too. And we had a long conversation last night about if he likes me or not. I don't understand him one bit.

And a lot of people don't support it. But I just want to show him that there's more to life than this. You don't have to sit around and smoke pot and go to work every day. There are purposes for you and things you should do and just beautiful things to get involved in or create. I don't know what he wants to show me.

But I told him how much I liked him and basically that, you know, if you're not going to be in this all the way then don't do it. Because I will and it's not fair to either of us.

---

I have two best friends. One I have recently drawn closer to and one I have recently grown farther from.

With the one I've drawn closer to, I have enjoyed her. She is a beautiful glorious woman and sometimes I look at her in just complete awe and envy. She is absolutely amazing and she is beautiful inside and out. She looks good in everything and she has just this impeccable style and she finds things that look cute on her and she has a little vintage flair. And it's just sensational and I so wish that I would just steal her style because she wears jeans and a hoodie and still looks beautiful. I would also steal her mind because I think a lot, but she thinks more, I swear. And she thinks things that I would never think and it's just amazing because you're looking at this simple human being who has such big thoughts and sometimes I just listen to her talk or read her writing and things just start to make sense. She is one of my favorite people I have ever met. She always puts Him first, which is hard to do. She is one person who I literally envy. She is one of those people who just make me want to punch every boy in the face because she is a magnificent woman and it just kills me that she isn't treated as special as she is. She is a role model to me and she is someone whose advice I hold very highly and I completely love her.

With the one I've grown farther from, I am slowly reconnecting with her. She has had a lot of problems lately, which kills me. Literally, has almost killed me and I'm now in therapy because of everything that's happened with her. But it's okay. Because she's here and she's not missing and she's not in the hospital. And I can call her and talk to her and make movie references that no one gets. I wish she realized how special she was. She also thinks so deep that sometimes I feel like I'm drowning when I talk to her. It's just amazing how her mind works and she just thinks in beauty, I think. She has endured lots of hardship and has become a sort of homebody because of it. But that's where she needs to be right now. She is slowly getting back from a really hard winter and I'm remembering why I fell in love with her. She is someone who is completely new. She will gossip with me about anything and anyone, and isn't afraid to tell me that she's afraid. Which is hard for her. And sometimes I realize how close we were before the winter and I yearn for that. As I am mending our souls together by talking to her often, I wish I could attach myself to everyone like I attach myself to her. I have never in my life had a friend like her.

---

I don't know what God is doing. But I know that He IS doing. And I know that I'm feeling better than I was a week ago. And I know that there's a plan and it doesn't involve suicide.

---

Sometimes I feel like I'm disappointing God. I know that He will always love me and I am 100% confident in that. Rarely do I feel far from Him. It's actually quite the opposite. I often feel very close to Him and talk to Him just about my day and just ramble to Him. And I think that He laughs at my jokes. It's just sometimes I think things that I know are sins. I do things that I know I shouldnt be doing and then I realize this and I just want to ram my head against a wall because I feel like more of a sinner. And sometimes I just want to have sex and smoke and drink and just completely be wild and spend a night as a different person. And sometimes when I think these things or if I do something I know I shouldn't I just freak out. And I know God loves me but I just sometimes can't help but think He's just shaking His head or just watching me with His face in His hands going "Oh, Jessica..." and in that moment I just want to completely surrender. I want to run to Him crying and scream "I CANT HANDLE THIS OKAY!?! THIS LIFE IS TOO HARD AND I HATE DISAPPOINTING YOU. I'D RATHER DIE RIGHT NOW THAN HEAR YOU SIGH AGAIN." and sometimes I do run and talk to Him. But then I hear Him sigh again.

---

Maybe life is a math problem. And maybe I may not know all the answers. But I still think maybe everything will be okay in the end. When I die, it'll make sense.